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| With college over and no future plans in life, I moved back home to bum with my parents. I had no place else to go after my divorce with Karla, so all I could think about was how I was, once again, so alone. My parents never knew about our elopement and I had to hide all sense of sadness about my tumultuous relationship with Karla. I started forcibly overeating to bury my sadness, gaining layers of fat by the minute. I became fatter than a panda.
Even though my family welcomed me home with open arms, it only accentuated how empty my life felt without sex. Deep down, I knew that Karla would never be able to love me the way that I needed and I would have to put the past behind me. I resolved to pull my life together and find new ways to deal with my return to celibacy. I took the first step to freedom and bought myself an online puppy. A cute little malte-poo about the size of my pink slippers. This is him:
And here we are together!
Of course, I'm not saying that the answer to wretched love pains is to buy a dog, but it sure beats sulking in despair without one! For now, I can be found wandering the eerie streets of Cupertino with my 3-month old malte-poo, ruminating glumly about my beautiful ex and the life that could've been.
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| I believe that God exists in each and every one of us.
I met Karla at a Christian club BBQ about a week and a half ago. She introduced herself as another friend of Danny's and handed me a flyer for Friday's charity event. I liked her immediately. Karla is half Puerto Rican, half black, carries a jaunty personality, and starts all her conversations with a confident, engaging smile. From the way she moved and covered her belly, I could tell she was slightly pregnant. It didn’t occur to me at first, but there was something odd about the way she talked too. A sort of clicking sound she made every time she tried to pronounce “-est” or “-ist”. Even so, I thought she was great and when she asked if I would accompany her to the christian charity event, I was of course flattered. Nobody had ever asked me out before and Karla was far from unattractive. Unfortunately, I couldn’t make it on Friday, but I suggested we get together on Saturday for something fun. We exchanged numbers and talked more throughout the afternoon. When I called on Saturday, Karla invited me over to her house. I guess she wasn't in the mood to leave the house that night. Instead, we sat at the kitchen table and picked up where our last conversation left off. I learned that she was raised by her mother in Petaluma and came to Davis to study textiles. Karla talked about her devotion to God and how He had helped her through all her life's trials… her parent’s divorce, her sister’s death, her recent pregnancy. It was astounding the things she told me. I had never met anyone who had been through so much so young. It's amazing how powerful a simple prayer can be when one is faced with an unbearable crisis. I was intrigued by her sense of passion. In that moment, I felt closer to her than I had felt with anyone else in a long time. I spent the night with Karla and snuck home the next morning. By the time I slipped under the covers, Raghav was already waking up from a night of sublime rest and starting his yoga routine. I had barely gotten 4 minutes of sleep when Danny shook me awake and climbed on top of my blankets, screaming, “Let’s go eat!” He smacked me a few times then ran away screaming.
Fortunately, Danny and Raghav let me sleep. But as they left for lunch, I lay awake thinking about Karla. Last night was not some casual romp; it was a spiritual revelation. I thought about God and how I wanted to become one with Him. I wanted to be touched by that higher power, to be blessed! I wanted to learn. I picked up Raghav’s copy of the Baltimore Catechism from my desk and flipped through the pages. What I found was that God exists in all of us and through Him we are given the strength to love. Knowing that, my body surged with a miraculous warmth. I was brimming with joy, physically inspired by this sensational new insight. It was in that moment that I finally found God. I vowed, right then, to embrace life for the glory that it was. And as if by some divine response, my cell started to hum.
I picked up the phone. It was Karla. She sounded scared. “Are you sure you were a virgin before last night?”
“Yea I’m sure, is anything wrong?”
“… I had a check-up at the clinic today, for the baby. I contracted Gonorrhea.”
“What do you mean?”
“I have Gonorrhea.”
“No you don’t. Where are you?”
“I think you need to get t-est-ed. I’m sorry, I gotta go.” *click*
I was shell-shocked. Utterly revolted. No, we hadn’t used a condom. Karla was already pregnant and I was a virgin. She told me she had been tested for everything and I trusted her! How was this possible? Jesus fucking Christ, that goddamn lying slut! We're both going to hell.
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| On Friday night, I held a one-man cleaning party at my college apartment. As is the general Chinese custom before any parental visitation, I vacuumed the place top to bottom, picking lint and grime off the floor and tiles. Oddly enough, my new roommates had left weed, cigarettes, and condoms lying around. There was this yellow condom that I liked, so I pocketed it, plus a tiny packet of weed in a ziplock baggie I thought I might test out later. I stuffed the rest under a cushion and whipped out the air purifier to neutralize the smell of pot. The next thing was the dishes, the trash, and the laundry. I finished everything by 4am, reverted to my PJs, and collapsed into a deep sleep on my fluffy bed.
The next morning (1 pm), my parents called me up on the cell. They were 30 minutes from my place, telling me to get ready for lunch. I promptly fell back to sleep after hanging up. When I opened my eyes again, they were standing over my bed.
"Hihihi!!! How is our cute innocent little son!"
*rubs eyes* Erm. Hi mum. Hi dad.
Mom to dad: The floor in the downstairs living room is getting very dirty isn’t it?
Dad: Could’ve been worse. [To me:] Let’s get going now son.
Me: Er… *dazed* I have to change clothes first.
Dad: You hurry up. We’ll go wait downstairs.
Mom: Here. Wear these pants. What’s this?
As my mom picked up my pants from the floor, she heard something crinkly in the pocket.
A second later, she pulled out the condom... [Silence] I whipped my hand out as if by reflex and snatched it from her open palm.
Me: Uhh............................. uhh................................okay let me get ready now
I yanked the pants from her grasp and the packet of weed came flying out. It landed on the floor, spilling onto the carpet. OO; SHIT. I quickly threw the pants over the pile of grass hoping to conceal the drugs.
"I think I’ll wear something else" [Silence] For a moment, they just stood there stunned. I was still holding the guilty condom behind my back, desperately waiting for an opportunity to dispose of it. I was looking away from them, sending my nervous gaze towards their feet. My heart was beating like wildfire. Finally, they began edging out the door… then closed it behind them, looking afraid. I quickly leapt out of bed and locked the door to regain some sense of privacy. No one talked during lunch. No one talked while we installed the new minifridge. Time passed. After an eternity, it was time for them to leave. I walked them back to their car and gave my mom a hug. But she didn’t hug me back. “Bye mum.” She remained motionless, expressionless, her face cold as ice! Then I turned to my dad for another unrequited hug. I backed away ready to cry. “See you Thanksgiving?” My voice wavered pathetically.
Saying nothing, they filed into the car, shut the door, and sputtered off. I stood there weakly until they rounded the corner. My knees gave out and I sat myself down unwittingly in a sticky puddle of engine oil. | | |
| Hehe.
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